I thought I posted this already, hum. Ok we've moved!

This rant was influenced by: http://forum.colour-dreams.net/viewthread.php?tid=32&page=1#pid1186

I'm angry, so I'm going to post a little rant. Except it's more of a positive thing than a rant.

I have had many dreams.. I used to want to be a famous singer.. One of my big dreams, still, is to be a fashion designer with my own store or line..

But now I'm in graphic design and I'm going to learn programming.

And I've had this sort of dream about having my own network of web help things.. that would just keep expanding.. (You know bravenet? We'd have those things except better.)

I even wanted to do this script/program/site for zines to use instead of AOL, cuz AOL sucks for zines. I'm not in zines anymore, but if I ever made that network into a big money maker, I'd still do that.

And I found someone to go into this with, actually, he's the opposite of me, programming without web/graphic design.

But ... he is SO busy and NEVER can talk to me... Plus he HATES Kerry so will vote for Bush! Bah!

Anyway.

I'm just saying, I'd like to make money.

It's really hard to make money, my google ads don't make enough to pay me more than yearly.

I'd be really interested in just getting my hosting bill paid.

I'm thinking about if I should really have that members section at all.. maybe like.. a dreamhost donation.. I just went with Pay Pal subscription cuz, well, it's a subscription. But I don't know how to pay dreamhost with that. I can get a check, but it costs a dollar. gr.

But I could get more hits with my member goodies, perhaps.. but that's dangerous.. but perhaps with TASTEFUL ads that WORK.. these google ads aren't so good. everyone could be happy?

My first concern was that people would steal.. Iiiiiiiiiiiiii dunno. I want credit.

But honestly, I like making money from things I do, it makes me feel good. I can't get a job because I'm on SSI for my bipolar and I'll lose my insurance.. besides, I want money for my art. (I want a lot of things.. like being accepted to a good school, etc.) Anyway if I take 4 classes I can get insurance from my father back.. But I don't know when I'll be taking 4.. that's a lot.. It's all so scary. Classes are SO manageable up until finals are nearing.

Anyway.. I'm a confused individual.

My first point in me saying this is, I can make money too.. someday. Argh.. I'm just easily upset and jealous. Plus I'm in a very confusing time in my life. Going through a lot of things.

What should I do about my members section?

I was feeling depressed and my mom said I should take another half a day's pills.. So I did that for a few days.. And I felt better and stopped. Then I started feeling really sad for no reason. And I think it was the drop in pills.

But I think I'm over it now, I feel fine. And I'm just happy that I'm not depressed.

Cept I'm :-\ cuz Carolyn didn't call me back. We were maybe gonna go out today and I called her yesterday. And she didn't write me back since Saturday. So, I dunno what's up or what to do.

Bah.

I'm sort of bored, I want cool things to happen. The only other thing to happen is school continuing to go well. I said continuing.. so bah.. BAH.. I say. I want something exciting.

I went out with Carolyn.. I don't know if it was a date, but she payed for my Starbucks! She is really nice. She is cute. I don't want to say too much on this public thing. Besides, I've told much of the story twice already.

At the end she hugged me and asked me to e-mail or call her.. and let her know if I want to go out again.

And, of course, I do. I hope we will date! Hehe.

Well, it's been a long time. And that has a lot to do with the fact that once I haven't posted for a while it's tough to start again.

I went to Disney World! Vaca for a week.. but then I got sick.. so we stayed almost two weeks because I didn't want to go home on the plane all sick (with my stomach virus, you see).

Then I had school stuff.

And I thought about writing a few times, but didn't.

Now I am.

Disney World.. is the best ever. I'm in love with Florida.

I passed a paper in, and I got an A on my midterm!!!! Wahoo!!!

And then just yesterday I wrote a whole 3 page paper in a matter of hours. I wrote it on Christina's album "Stripped". It's pretty good.

But I've been having trouble with Radleigh... being in love with him... fantasizing about being with him... Being jealous of him liking other girls... Lots of trouble. I've decided I'm going to really try to get past it. I got a therapy appointment Wed. (two days), so that's great. And I also think that hypnotism might be good.. I dunno....

I e-mailed a couple girls from Gay.com and I talked to a couple.. One, like many, went nowhere (well so far, she stopped talking and signed off, tho!).. But one girl asked to get together and we are tomorrow! I think she wants friendship with let's-see-where-it-goes.. but that's cool.. We can see where it goes..  Hey, I don't even know if I'll like her. Although, I like her so far. She's been VERY nice.  I haven't seen a picture, but her description sounds good.

I'm really nervous, though. I was nervous just talking. And I'm nervous about tomorrow. She made it easy on me getting there, it'll be in the early afternoon and she'll meet me right outside the T stop. (See, she's nice) But, yeah, nervous.. cuz, like, what if it is a date? That's.. nervous making. Heh.

So that's it, really... I'll post about tomorrow.

The kind of thing you don't want to write about...

Well, I have bipolar, and a mood disorder.. or something.. And I get bad traits from my father (like needing to get my way).. And I was kind of spoiled by my mother.. And you add all that together.. and you can get a mini tantrum in the grocery store.

But Joe angers me beyond anything. Just being around him brings out the worst in me, sometimes. Being around someone you genuinely HATE can do that.

And I hate living here.. But I'm stuck here because I need to finish going to this school. And it's sad.

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On a MUCH brighter note, we booked our trip to Florida. Disney World here we come! My first trip to Disney. And this will include one day with Radleigh.  Whoopeeee. It's going to be during spring break in just a few weeks, March 13th.

And, Radleigh just seems to be missing me more and more. Now he wants to book some sort of trip for this summer. He may even come here.  He wants my summer schedule as soon as possible.

I just got some spring clothes, partly for the trip. And a bathing suit for the trip. A looks-like-it's flattering one. Hope for me that it fits well. - It's a tankini with the flatter neckline which I love, with a skirt, with this sexy slit. And if the top doesn't cover my stomach.. maybe I can hike the skirt up a little? I mean, I know there must be shorts or something under there, but maybe. It was the best suit I found, though, I picked a short shipping. If that doesn't work, I may go with Gap.

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I'm on a vicious mission to lose weight. I was already all doing mad exercising but today Radleigh said "Thin Lauren is HOT" and that really fuels me. I even ate well today... but I can't keep away from sodas. :-\

Wish me luck!

I was so upset with myself tonight. First, I had a soda at 4, which took me until dinner to finish, and then I... got another soda! .. SOoooo... that took me a while to drink and what I'm getting at is that it keeps me up and awake.

So, then I notice that my hot chocolate was thrown away. Now, Starbucks stops making Peppermint Hot Chocolate after a certain day, and.. they ran out of reserves.. so their regular hc has been watery.. so I added some peppermint cocoa powder to it. But I'm almost out of that. So I had my last good tasting hot chocolate... thrown away. (I think, I had a couple hot chocolates, but I think it was that one.) SO SAD..

So, I was stupid.. maybe I took my pills too late.. And I woke my mom up.. So we're fighting and then Joe started yelling.. Ugh.. but it was too late to stop, cuz I'm stupid and now I feel bad.. again, stupid. So, my mom kicks me in my stomach (ok that's wacked, but she's wacked). So then I felt so bad that I cried. And my night felt all ruined. So I had to bug her about "Make me feel better." Ugh..

What a sick night, I mean, seriously, what a mentally ill night.

I'm better now, though. But I stayed up more. Even though waking up late makes me tired and not-so-feeling-good-about-myself.. But I wanted to do something nice and fun for myself. So I made smilies.

They're the BEST smilies! Yay.   (They're at my site.. members section)

But I AM going to bed now, and I set my alarm for 12.. I know I won't get 8 hours, but I don't want to wake up later. I'll be fine, I think.

Gahh..

And don't judge this, I know it's really wacked, but it's hard to understand. We're all wacked anyway, right? I hope? Heh.

Last night I couldn't sleep for a long while. I kept getting ideas! It's sucky. I finally got all cozy after 4. Eek. And then I had to get up for school. I just wanted to sleep. I wasn't really tired, but still.... (I'm tired now, tho)

I thankfully went to the Dreamhost main webpage and noticed they're having a sale on the plan that was above mine... for the same money I'm paying now. Extra stuff, oh, yeah, baby!

But the tired got to me and I looked at the same old whiny tag on my tagboard and I turned crabby. I'd like more feedback, more interaction.

Then I just started bumming, I think from the tired.

I have the hiccups.

On the plus side, we have the most beautiful snow of the season.  

Well, first... I had a dream that sort of featured the girl I had a crush in high school. It was weird, though. I wasn't sure if it was her... And I think Radleigh was there. It's always nice to be WITH Radleigh.

I had my dr's appointments today. For my medication and therepy. I saw a guy that I used to go to group (teen therepy group) with at Harvard Vangaurd (Mimi's [old counselor]). We talked about school and stuff. He said that we should get together, for like coffee or something. We exchanged phone numbers, he said to call him tonight.

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This journal entry has been interrupted by an important announcement: THERE IS NO PHONE SERVICE IN HINGHAM. Maybe until THURSDAY! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

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I had told my therepist something about him - coupled with something of a little opinion - that I probably shouldn't have... because I learned that she's HIS therepist! Ahhh....

If you're wondering, this is a friendly thing.

So, things are cool, gettin' more social.

But, oh yes, phone service is out.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN..

Thank god for cell phones.

Sometimes, I get this horrible jittery feeling. It happens some nights. And I can't sleep until it's passed, It's hard to lie there and it's hard to do anythiing. I feel that way right now, I have been for a while now. I have pills for it, but they're not working.

I'm thinking of redoing how I'm doing my site a little. I'm thinking of scrapping the members section. I could do something about it now. But I can't. I could work on my upcoming site right now. But I can't. And I *should* be sleeping right now, but I'd feel so uncomfortable lying there, shaking.

The good thing is, is that I have therepy apps tomorrow. So I can tell my therepist and meds nurse (Druggy Della) about it. But it's a bad thing, too, if I can't get to sleep 'til late.    Uggghhhh...